Dreaming of being a mom I imagined lavishing all my love on a wee one. I’d dress her in frilly dresses, make pancakes with her and talk like best friends. Never having had children, I didn’t know what to expect.
I found out that having a son (yes, I had a boy instead of a girl) is like having my heart live outside my body. I never knew my emotions would be so tied to my child. What happens to him, feels as if it’s happening to me.
Add the caveat of being a special needs mom, and those feelings are amplified. There are the euphoric emotions of love, joy, and happiness. Then there is the emotion many mothers attempt to conquer; worry. This is my battle. I found myself yesterday clutching my arm in a tight grip. I loosened my grip and realized my anxious thoughts had a hold on me, literally.
My son’s allergy/cold symptoms are the source of my anxiety. An allergy or a cold in most children is not cause for grave concern but when your son’s primary challenge is respiratory, this momma’s heart goes into overdrive.
Memories flooded back to the last time our son had a cold. Sleeping through the night was replaced with suctioning, giving breathing treatments and medicine in precisely timed intervals. We slept in the living room, with all our clothes on in case we had to rush our son to the hospital in the middle of the night. I shudder even writing about it.
So, the runny nose, suctioning, breathing treatments and extra oxygen occupies my activities while my mind keeps remembering that night so long ago. Then a thought occurs to me while I’m in the kitchen. Why am I letting this past event create such fear in me? My son’s symptoms aren’t like they were that night. I need to stop living in this fear and instead live in the moment I’m given now. I let out a deep sigh.
I can do this. Release the fear and embrace the moment. Wipe his cute little nose, suction and simply love on him. I’ve been reminded of that kitchen “aha” moment several times bringing much needed calm to my heart.
I wish I could tell you worry was banished from my thoughts but that wouldn’t be true. I still hold my breath when he cries inconsolably (Motrin to the rescue) and check to make sure his nose is running clear. But like a good piece of chocolate needs to be eaten again and again to be reminded of how good it is (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it), I need to be reminded to live in the present.
How do you conquer Mommy fear in your walk as a mom? I’d love to hear your story. You never know, your tip could help a mom conquer the fear war.
Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 NIV
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
Author, A Miracle In My Living Room